Rules To Live By

[thelastgreatman]

So over the years I've assembled with the help of my father, brother, and roommate Bob (known on the board as protodisco) a list of the following Rules To Live By.

Currently there are five that we are dead-on-balls accurate are absolute truths throughout life. Suggestions are welcome, but please don't bring any weak sauce.

THE FIVE RULES TO LIVE BY

1. Don't fuck up your own shit.

2. More importantly--don't fuck up MY shit under any circumstances.

3. Don't be old hat.

4. Stop being a pussy.

5. When all else fails... fuck it.

Currently we're reviewing possible addition status for what would be

6. Via con huevos.

[marooko]

take responsibilty for your actions.

for example...these dumbass rules.

[Mr.Nipples]

this thread sucks...

[J~$$$]

Rule nombre uno: never let no one know
how much, dough you hold, cause you know
The cheddar breed jealousy 'specially
if that man fucked up, get your ass stuck up

Number two: never let em know your next move
Don't you know Bad Boys move in silence or violence
Take it from your highness (uh-huh)
I done squeezed mad clips at these cats for they bricks and chips

Number three: never trust no-bo-dy
Your moms'll set that ass up, properly gassed up
Hoodie to mask up, shit, for that fast buck
she be layin in the bushes to light that ass up

Number four: know you heard this before
Never get high, on your own supply

Number five: never sell no crack where you rest at
I don't care if they want a ounce, tell em bounce

Number six: that god damn credit, dead it
You think a crackhead payin you back, shit forget it

Seven: this rule is so underrated
Keep your family and business completely seperated
Money and blood don't mix like two dicks and no bitch
Find yourself in serious shit

Number eight: never keep no weight on you
Them cats that squeeze your guns can hold jobs too

Number nine shoulda been number one to me
If you ain't gettin bags stay the fuck from police (uh-huh)
If niggaz think you snitchin ain't tryin listen
They be sittin in your kitchen, waitin to start hittin

Number ten: a strong word called consignment
Strictly for live men, not for freshmen
If you ain't got the clientele say hell no
Cause they gon want they money rain sleet hail snow
Follow these rules you'll have mad bread to break up
If not, twenty-four years, on the wake up
Slug hit your temple, watch your frame shake up
Caretaker did your makeup, when you pass
Your girl fucked my man Jake up, heard in three weeks
she sniffed a whole half of cake up
Heard she suck a good dick, and can hook a steak up
Gotta go gotta go, more pies to bake up, word up, uhh

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c193/mmmmdoughnuts/xl_JosephMazzotta1.jpg

I just bought this shirt so I can rock the bells. I <3 it.

[PotVsKtl]

First rule is: The laws of Germany
Second rule is: Be nice to mommy
Third rule is: Don't talk to commies
Fourth rule is: Eat kosher salamis

[psychic friend]

http://www.boingboing.net/images/_img_img_works_pacman_adv_pacman_adv_1.jpg

[disgustipated]

thats what I was thinking of J...

[kimery08]

j, youre my hero.

[full on idle]

Step 1 - We can have lots of fun.
Step 2 - There's so much we can do.
Step 3 - It's just you and me.
Step 4 - I can give you more.
Step 5 - Don't you know that the time has arrived?

[kroqken]

This thread has some interesting advice.

[thelastgreatman]

Who wants to have to inform Ken that the next rule involves him fucking himself?

[thelastgreatman]

http://www.boingboing.net/images/_img_img_works_pacman_adv_pacman_adv_1.jpg

What does this mean, you mysterious vixen, you?

[smokealotapotamus]

Thank God J saved this thread with some real "rules to live by". And Dani... is that a pac man skull recreated for medical purposes? awesome...

[bug on your lip]

Rule # 1

Like The
Cars That
Go Boom!

[psychic friend]

Dani... is that a pac man skull recreated for medical purposes? awesome...

yes, why yes it is.

Rule number one is you don't talk about fight club.

[luckyface]

Step 1 - We can have lots of fun.
Step 2 - There's so much we can do.
Step 3 - It's just you and me.
Step 4 - I can give you more.
Step 5 - Don't you know that the time has arrived?

That song still haunts me to this day. Did you know this off the top of your head?

[chrislasf]

Rule 1: Punch a hole in the box.

[Barbara, the ninja]

Rule 2: Put your junk in that box.

[thelastgreatman]

Rule No. 6: If you are named after a fictional marijuana-based life form, you must keep your dumb fucking trap shut.

[SojuGorae]

Rule #2351100594870 :
Always pull out when going bareback

[thelastgreatman]

Now THAT'S a good one.

Rule No. 7: Always go down on a chick before the first time you fuck her to see if there's any indication of Hanta virus.

[algunz]

No juega con agua, fuego, y amor.

[thelastgreatman]

Rule No. 8: No Spanish in this thread unless it's obviously comedic.

[algunz]

You suck balls. Rule # 303

[thelastgreatman]

Fair enough.

Rule No. 9: Randy sucks balls.

Rule No. 10: He sucks them better than the rest of you.

[vinylmartyr]

don't do drugs

[thelastgreatman]

Rule No. 11: Don't do shitloads of drugs at 5:30 AM alone in the Coachella campgrounds.

Sorry Jeff, but it had to be amended to not directly conflict with my religious beliefs.

[luckyface]

If she insists on the ass, it's a dude.

[amyzzz]

hahaha.

[J~$$$]

1. A lucky number. Long before Jordan sanctified it, number 23 was lucky just because Dad said it was. He'd look for it everywhere. Forty years later, his grandchildren fill the lane on the break wearing the number he decided was theirs. Memories accrete around specific things.


2. A passion for tax-free growth.


3. About $3,000. An inheritance cuts your kids' ambition in half, robs them of the satisfaction of making their own way, and keeps them from lessons worth learning. So you spend it.


4. A team to love. It's a durable pleasure, best passed from father to child.


5. A team to hate. Despising a team--with all the venom you can muster and for no discernible reason--is a gift that gives life shape. Death to the Raiders!


6. A will. And prearrange a really, really, really inexpensive funeral, too. Rule: Money is best spent on people who are alive.


7. Love of country. The quiet, grateful kind.


8. A decent carving knife.


9. A dented wheelbarrow. Associate yourself with stupid donkey work, as in moving this stuff that's here, over there.


10. A fragment of inspiring verse. Memorized, so they'll always have it when they need it.


11. Stories of your screwups. In the interest of less pedestal, more human, be sure they've heard tell of your greatest misses.


12. A holy book. Your copy of the Bible or Torah, if either has sustained you. Your Huck Finn or Heart of Darkness, if you're of a literary cast. An atlas of the world around which a pilgrim is free to roam.

13. Enthusiasm for two movies: one stupid, one stirring. Say, Caddyshack and Braveheart.


14. A tattered road map. An old-fashioned, service-station map of a region you've traveled a lot with the family. It should have a few words scribbled on it, a couple of routes highlighted in yellow. Some of the crease lines should be torn from wear.

15. A baseless prejudice in favor of a particular make of car. Everybody knows that [fill in name of car manufacturer here] makes the best cars on the road. Period. End of story.


16. A family catchphrase. A brief yelp that captures your take on life and can invoke your spirit long after you're dead. More in the manner of "Onward!" than "Life's a bitch, then you die."


17. Respect for baby steps. Most work gets done an inch at a time. Teach them to just break ground.


18. A coat. Barn jacket, tweed topcoat, or camo hunting shell, there's something warm about the old man's coat.


19. A patented shot. You put the hoop up in the driveway, didn't you? Tell me you did, Dad. Name your unique fall-away jumper (The Dagger) or sky hook (Death from Above). Even memories require marketing.

20. U.S. savings bonds. They seem the very symbol of hope.

21. A handwritten description of a happy day. So what if you're not Tolstoy? Scribble a few contented lines about that 16th of October and stash it in your desk for postdeath discovery.


22. A pleasure in people. Some get annoyed that people are so odd; lucky folks know that's the fun part.


23. A maintenance jones. If they see you changing the oil in the driveway, they'll learn to get more service from their stuff and have deeper friendships.

[full on idle]

That song still haunts me to this day. Did you know this off the top of your head?

Yes, yes I do.

[caco0283]

rule number 12 - if shes a bimbo tell her youre a hunter....she will sleep with you right away cos everyone knows hunters go deep into bushes for their meat, they shoot twice, they mount what they shoot, and they always eat the meat after they shoot it

[UnicornsForBreakfast]

rule number 12 - if shes a bimbo tell her youre a hunter....she will sleep with you right away cos everyone knows hunters go deep into bushes for their meat, they shoot twice, they mount what they shoot, and they always eat the meat after they shoot it


Blasphemy. I've met a bunch of hunters and that isn't always the case.

[kimery08]

rule #13: dont eat the meat after you "shoot" it.

[SojuGorae]

hahahahahahahaha

[thelastgreatman]

Also don't kiss the meat after it licks your salt.

[adamnikyo]

I digg it, J$.

[adamnikyo]

Love many
Trust few
Do wrong to none

[J~$$$]

I digg it, J$.

I knew you would. Mens Health. Live it. Love it.

[Yablonowitz]

Don't start a new thread every single day.

[amyzzz]

Don't start a new thread every single day.
QFT.

My god, LGM.

[caco0283]

rule #13: dont eat the meat after you "shoot" it.

sometimes you got to get done and dirty...hell if the chick is going to let you blow a load in the mouth, go for a dive

[thelastgreatman]

What the fuck is all of your problems with me starting A thread every day? It's not like it's my fault 90 percent of what's on here every day is boring shit bumped from months ago.

[J~$$$]

Y_FH-HyvOjg

[Yablonowitz]

What the fuck is all of your problems with me starting A thread every day? It's not like it's my fault 90 percent of what's on here every day is boring shit bumped from months ago.

Take a deep breath. Hold it for a half sec. Let it out slowly and deliberately.

You don't need to be defensive about every jab made at you. Sometimes it's just playful fun poking, you fucking little hairy lipped wanker tank.

[thelastgreatman]

In the future, try to let me know you're making a joke by having it be funny in some way. =)

[Yablonowitz]

In the future, try to let me know you're making a joke by having it be funny in some way. =)

Um, no offense sweetie pie, but you're about as funny as a rubber crutch.

[thelastgreatman]

Um, no offense sweetie pie, but you're about as funny as a rubber crutch.

Um, rubber crutches sound hilarious. What fucking planet of funny are you from?

[Yablonowitz]

I don't know. It was something my dad used to say. I used to think it was crotch, which I thought was pretty funny so it confused me.

I think if you had a broken leg, a rubber crutch wouldn't be too funny.

[Hannahrain]

As opposed to a rubber crotch, which would be a barrel of monkeys. A rubber barrel of rubber monkeys. When I typed that I accidentally typed "monkery". Rubber monkery.

[thelastgreatman]

A barrel of monkeys with a barrel of angry coked-up hamsters poured in on top of them.

Who gives a fuck what the dude with the broken leg finds funny, we're talking about us here.

Rule No. Whatever: Break someone's leg and then replace their crutches with rubber crutches at least once in your life. Tape it.

[ivankay]

wood shop gave me this popular rule that stays with me always:

Measure Twice, Cut Once

and i was hiking in Kauai a few years ago and had some issues that led to what i thought was a near death experience (at least i wanted to die at points). In a state of agony over the wet trail, dehydration, and fucked up feet and legs based on my poor shoe choice, i called out to GOD and pleaded "God! Do me a favor and make this trail dry."

The the voice, like bold print in my brain said:

DO IT ON THE TRAIL'S TIME, NOT YOUR OWN.

i said back "oh." and very slowly slugged my way out of that trecherous trail.

[full on idle]

Yes, there are a lot of crappy threads on this board. No, you are not helping the board or making it more interesting.

[kimery08]

this whole time i kept reading rubber crotch instead of crutch. i got confused and had to re-read it.
rubber crotch >rubber crutch.

[mob roulette]

Hi Kimery.

[kimery08]

hi mob.

[mob roulette]

How are you? I want to find you a new avatar. It's time. Something in black and white perhaps. Something that really says you. Any ideas? Maybe I will start a thread about it.

[Hannahrain]

http://www.coachella.com/forum/image.php?u=1482&dateline=1180056191




(?)

[kimery08]

im doing okay thank you. how are you?
why black and white? cool thing to do? will it make me a little more classy?
if so, im in. i wanna be a classy hoe.

[amyzzz]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/theblog/archive/Crack%20hoe%20(line%20art).jpg

[mob roulette]

http://www.coachella.com/forum/image.php?u=1482&dateline=1180056191

(?)

Oh please. Everything I love about modern pop music is referenced in those first few records. And I am constantly watching detectives. And accidents will happen. And oh, never mind.

im doing okay thank you. how are you?
why black and white? cool thing to do? will it make me a little more classy?
if so, im in. i wanna be a classy hoe.

I sort of like Amy's submission. Here's another one.

http://www.strangecelebrities.com/images/content/104511.jpg

I will definitely have to give this some more thought.

[SojuGorae]

http://images.usatoday.com/news/_photos/2002/01-29-inside-noelle-bush.jpg

[phoenixsky]

As cheesy as it is, I still love this...

"Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen."

[Hannahrain]

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1212/549561135_564a0d0589_s.jpg

[thelastgreatman]

+50 to Head for bringing the thread back.

[amyzzz]

I remember that sunscreen speech.

[kingsblend420]

So over the years I've assembled with the help of my father, brother, and roommate Bob (known on the board as protodisco) a list of the following Rules To Live By.

Currently there are five that we are dead-on-balls accurate are absolute truths throughout life. Suggestions are welcome, but please don't bring any weak sauce.

THE FIVE RULES TO LIVE BY

1. Don't fuck up your own shit.

2. More importantly--don't fuck up MY shit under any circumstances.

3. Don't be old hat.

4. Stop being a pussy.

5. When all else fails... fuck it.

Currently we're reviewing possible addition status for what would be

6. Via con huevos.

I think you mean to say "Via Con Dios".

[matildawong]

I'll bet he knows that and means huevos.

[Jenniehoo]

http://www.acc.umu.se/~zqad/cats/1174330218-1174131435015.jpg

[amyzzz]

Holy crap, those lolcats speak SPANISH now?!? (I swear they're gonna take over the world).

[thelastgreatman]

Go with God? Shit man, those are the OLD rules.

God will lead you astray from time to time and fuck you over.

But eggs? When you need something to eat and you're not sure, go with eggs.

SOLD AMERICAN.

[amyzzz]

I will be eating a hard-boiled egg as part of my lunch. Just thought you need to know, LGM.

[gmoneyak]

Rule number 101:

"Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it.."

[captncrzy]

Always take your makeup off before going to bed

[thelastgreatman]

Rule No. 13: Never kick a dangerous man in the balls unless you are planning to kill him immediately afterwards.

Rule No. 14: In fact, never kick a man in the balls at all--the odds of landing a solid blow are low. Always grab, pull, and twist.

Rule No. 15: When all else fails, go for the eyes.

[smokealotapotamus]

Rule No. 6: If you are named after a fictional marijuana-based life form, you must keep your dumb fucking trap shut.

Jesus tapdancing Christ Randy, if there's one thing you should learn from me, it's that fictional marijuana-based life forms are too lazy and stoned to:

a) Give a fuck about anything you have to say

b) Nachos